It is time I’m honest, with myself and you.
I have an issue with bingeing food.
What is bingeing food you ask? It is when you consume a massive amount of calories in a short amount of time, all while feeling guilty during or shortly thereafter. Sometimes a binge can last for an hour, or sometimes it can spiral into days of terrible eating that perpetuates itself.
For anyone who has been following my weekly weigh-ins it will come as no surprise that I’ve been failing the last three weeks to listen to any of my own advice. It led to barely losing anything one week, and actually gaining a shocking five pounds the subsequent week. I’m honestly already dreading weighing on Friday.
I had thought about not weighing, of ignoring this small blog and the people who read it. After that I thought about posting saying I’m not going to be weighing for a while, hoping I could get the pounds I’d gained off before I came out again and then some. After all, how can I talk about weight loss and try to give people hope when I’m struggling so much right now?
Then I remembered why I started this blog in the first place: to motivate myself and to give myself a degree of accountability. I’ve had these knee jerk reactions because I want to hide my failures so I don’t have to analyze or admit they’ve happened. In addition it means I’ve wanted to do exactly what I don’t want to do, which is to hide my failures during my weight loss journey while only highlighting my success.
That is a big problem with weight loss culture though, we only see the before and after photos. We look at these people who made it to what we feel is the other side, and we want to know what magic pill they took to get there. Nobody wants to launch themselves off a cliff and look at the times they fell down, they only want you to know about the times they flew.
I’ve decided that isn’t what I’m going to do. I want everyone to know that you can fall down, that it isn’t hopeless because you screw up once. I’ve still lost 25 pounds from nutrition changes alone. Yes, I’ve gained five of it back, but I’m not starting from square one.
I’m also not going to try to jump back to the point I had gotten previously, because I have to accept that the reality is I’ve overwrote some of those really new habits by falling back into three weeks of bad habits. It didn’t help that I had a lot of new stresses introduced during these times, and my schedule changed drastically as the kids go back to school. In the coming weeks life will shift drastically again as Mary starts her new job.
Building back these healthier habits that will be my new lifestyle isn’t going to be easy with everything that will be going on, but I refuse to quit like I have every time before. I refuse to let three weeks of failure define my future, like I have so many times before.
Besides, this time I have you all.