The short answer to the above question is that I’m not doing a weigh-in this week, and likely won’t for the next few weeks. The long answer is a bit more complicated and will be extrapolated on below.
It is very important for the success of this blog as a tool to assist me in losing weight that I’m very honest, with both myself and anyone who happens to read it. Though there is only a handful of you—most of you friends and family—I still feel I owe it to you to explain why I’m not posting my weight this week. I also likely won’t be having weigh-in posts for a number of weeks.
Blogs will often have these dramatic posts about how they have to go away for a bit, and I’m not a big fan of them to be honest. Yet, here I am writing one, so go figure.
Those following me will know that I’ve stalled somewhat over the past few weeks. I haven’t really gained, but I haven’t lost either: I’m just sitting steady. This morning I weighed again at 314.8 I believe and the same fat percentage as last week. I know that just maintaining this weight loss over the last month is a victory on its own, but I’ve been going through a lot and I just can’t face the scale at the end of every week for a couple of weeks.
It sounds silly, but feeling like I have to present a loss every week so that people don’t see me as a failure is stressful, and I know that pressure is self-created. Everyone has never been anything but kind and supportive, but I put a lot of weight on my shoulders to succeed. Lately, that just hasn’t been possible—I spend half of the week eating horribly and half clean eating. Why am I struggling so much? There is of course the ever present struggle with food addiction, and that is certainly a part of it, but not the biggest part. Another is my wife starting a new job, kids going back to school, and the shake-up in everybody’s schedule. That isn’t the biggest thing though.
I’ve been struggling with depression and severe anxiety lately, and it has been further compounded by the looming anniversary of my father’s death.
For some reason the anniversary is hitting me far harder than I expected. I just keep thinking about things, like tomorrow a year ago we went to a movie together—just me, Mom, Dad, and my wife. This was not a normal occasion, I don’t even remember how we got rid of two kids when our primary sitters were with us, but we must have found somebody. It just keeps running through my head that we watched this movie, laughed, talked about how scary it was, and went our separate ways never knowing it would be one of the last things we would ever do together.
Next week on Wednesday the 19th will be the last time I ever talked to my father. I didn’t go to the house, because he had a big heart surgery the next day and I didn’t want him to feel like I was saying goodbye. I just did a video chat with him and my kids, told him I loved him in a really short phone call, and hung up. I didn’t know that would be the last time I would ever talk to my Dad.
He passed away on October 1st 2017 after harrowing surgeries and about a week and a half in a coma, but I won’t go into the full story here. If you are interested in reading that you can do so here, but suffice to say it was horribly unexpected. All that to say this year has both been hellishly long and insanely short at the same time.
I miss him so much every day, but these past few days have been borderline unbearable. I eat food when I’m upset—big shocker I know—and it has just further compounded everything.
So there you have it, I’m going to take some time off weighing on the scale so I can have one less thing to worry about. I’m not quitting, I’m not giving up, and I still intend to do my best to lose weight in the interim. I just want to remove the stress of that number of my weight, and instead try and focus on being healthy for a few weeks. At that time I entirely expect to see Weekly Weigh In making a come back.
See you all around, have a wonderful day.